Thank you for coming, ladies and gents. I appreciate the time, and I think you will too. I so enjoyed working with you on the militant-slaying, polar bear-grizzly bear hybrid last week that I thought I’d present you with something similar this week.
I think I might have figured out a way to stop the alarming spread of Africanized, or “killer,” bees throughout North America. Allow me to present the Dawson’s bee. All we have to do is make a hybrid out of this guy and a killer bee, get him set up in killer bee society and let him do his thing. It’ll be kind of like the new movie “Avatar,” only with bees and a lot more killing and sex. Read More »
I was reminded recently of an old friend of mine who once tried to steal a pork tenderloin from a grocery store in Aspen by stuffing it down his pants. He was nearly out the door when one of the store’s clerks tapped him on the shoulder to let him know he had dropped his hat. So nervous was my friend over his little crime spree that he immediately blurted out, “It’s in my pants!” despite the fact that he hadn’t been accused of anything.
I can just imagine the clerk’s surprise when this man he was only trying to help then reached down his jeans and pulled out the pilfered meat. It’s probably the sort of thing grocery store clerks don’t encounter too often, even in Aspen. Read More »
The history of humans introducing non-native animal species to new lands is a long and glorious one. Some of the more notable successes include Africanized honey bees, which were introduced to the Americas in 1957 for the purpose of inspiring apocalyptic urban myths and low-budget horror films, and rabbits, which were set free in Australia in 1859 to inspire lazy Australians to get off their duffs and build a 2,021-mile rabbit-proof fence.
Typically, there is nothing to worry about when introducing new species. As Thomas Austin, the man who first released rabbits in Australia, said, “The introduction of a few rabbits could do little harm and might provide a touch of home, in addition to a spot of hunting.” Read More »