I’ve been looking over the ballot for next month’s election, and I have to say that our choices for elected positions aren’t exactly inspiring. I’m not going to name names or anything like that, but if you’ve seen the ballot, you’ll agree there’s nobody on it who makes you wish you could vote early and vote often, the way I frequently do.
With that in mind, I would like to officially announce my own candidacy and urge you all to consider me as a write-in candidate. What position do I intend to run for, you ask? Well, I don’t like to limit myself, so just write my name in as many times as you can, and I’ll accept the highest-ranking office to which I get elected.
Now, I realize many of you aren’t willing to just accept that I’m the answer to all our political problems without knowing what I stand for. That’s a pretty silly attitude to take, because we politicians never tell you the truth anyway, but let me outline my platform a little bit so you’ll see what a tremendous choice I am.
• Taxes: I intend to eliminate all taxes for everyone, rich and poor alike. Taxes are only for suckers and weenie, liberal, East Coast elitists. You, being none of those things, should be allowed to keep 100 percent of your hard-earned cash, shouldn’t you? Putting more money in your pocket will give everyone more to spend, and it will spur economic growth, give businesses a boost and pull us out of this recession.
• Government spending: All the out-of-control government spending will stop immediately, except for military spending, which will be increased tenfold. Right now, America only spends more on its military than every other country combined. I’m sure we can all agree that isn’t nearly enough. You can’t put a price tag on safety.
• Education: Under my watch, you can expect vastly improved public education. All teachers will get a long overdue pay raise, and schools will see a big jump in their annual budgets, freeing up lots of money for athletic equipment, scientific gizmos, anti-drug programs and healthier lunches.
• Public services: Other public services will be similarly bolstered. Libraries will get more approved books and will be purged of all undesirable literature. Police and fire departments will get new vehicles and equipment. All our roads and bridges will be torn up and replaced with brand new ones that will last forever. This will not only make us all safer, it will create hundreds of thousands of high-paying jobs, something the current administration seems not to care about.
• Health care: Since it’s a known fact that there could be nothing worse than the kind of universal health care all those socialist regimes in Europe have, I will insist that we keep funneling billions of dollars to the health insurance industry. However, I will make it a law that insurance companies have to cut everyone’s premiums in half and cover every penny of medical expenses incurred by their clients.
• Foreign policy: I will demand that we, as a nation, stop sending aid money to poor countries that none of us know the location of unless they can offer us something in return. Sorry, Central African Republic, but no one in America even knows what continent you’re on, so you’re cut off. Call us when you discover oil.
• Gay marriage: No! In fact, not only should gays not be allowed to marry, they shouldn’t even be allowed to date or even grab a bite to eat together. Gays don’t have the right to pursue happiness. If we allow that, it’s only a matter of time before they recruit every kid in America to their side. That’s their whole agenda, people!
• Legalizing marijuana: Absolutely not. Pot smokers do horrible things like eat pizza, watch cartoons and listen to music that isn’t country or western. Drugs will remain illegal, unless they’re made by a giant pharmaceutical company and have to be taken once a day for the rest of your life.
• Social Security and Medicare: Quit expecting something for nothing, you parasites.
• Smaller government: Big government is the problem. Big government is why you’re uneducated, unemployed and ugly and your house is in foreclosure. When I’m elected, I will fire every single government worker but myself, and then I promise from the bottom of my heart to do absolutely nothing, thereby eliminating government and making everyone’s lives perfect.