Let me preface this column by saying I have no problem with PETA, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, nor do I have any problems with vegetarians in general, as long as they grant the rest of us the right to eat meat.
Whether we buy it at a store or hunt or fish for it legally we should be allowed to eat it without being given the Lisa Simpson guilt trip about our choice. Beyond that, all animals should be treated as ethically as possible. I absolutely agree.
So when you read the rest of this, please understand that I’m just reporting the facts. I’m not passing judgement on anyone.
My favorite PETA tidbit dates back a few years to when a TV news crew in some small town reported on a young woman, a PETA activist, dressed up as a giant carrot outside of an elementary school.
The news segment showed the carrot woman chanting her pro-vegetable slogans and handing out flyers, and then the reporter lady interviewed some of the kids after they had walked past the massive tap root.
One little boy stepped to the microphone with a big smile on his face, and the reporter asked him if he liked vegetables.
“Yeah,” he said, nodding.
“What’s your favorite vegetable?” the newslady asked.
“Chicken,” said the little boy.
Anyway, on to the subject.
Imagine if you had just eaten a pint — or two, if it was one of those kind of nights — of Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia ice cream. And then suddenly Ashton Kutcher jumped out and told you that it was all made of human breast milk. I don’t know about you, but I would probably hurl. I’d vomit a little bit at the back of my throat at the very least.
I mention this hypothetical scenario in light of the recent letter from PETA to Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, cofounders of the storied ice cream franchise, urging them to start using human breast milk instead of cow’s milk in their ice cream.
“The fact that human adults consume huge quantities of dairy products made from milk that was meant for a baby cow just doesn’t make sense,” said PETA Executive Vice President Tracy Reiman. “Everyone knows that ‘the breast is best,’ so Ben & Jerry’s could do consumers and cows a big favor by making the switch to breast milk.”
Oh come on, PETA. You have to give us milk. People have only been drinking the stuff since the dawn of civilization. Where would we be as a species without the cow? Why do think it’s a god in India? Hindus don’t eat them, and they don’t ride them, so if they’re not revered for their milk they must have great personalities. There’s no other reason to herd them around.
Imagine, though, if somehow PETA officials actually convinced Ben and Jerry to make the switch to breast milk. Do they not realize how much Ben & Jerry’s ice cream is churned out every day, to every supermarket in America?
You think the conditions are unethical for the poor cows who are just getting milked and not slaughtered like the steers? Wait until you see the conditions for the poor women of Vermont who are going to have to replace them.
And my wife thought her boobs were sore feeding our boy for a year. What if she got a job as a milkee right out of college and worked straight through to retirement?
The request was made because apparently a restaurant owner in Switzerland is going to start substituting breast milk for cow’s milk in 75 percent of the food he serves. So if you’re just dying for a bowl of New England clam chowder made with authentic Cape Cod mother’s milk, you may still be able to get it.
I don’t want to go starting an argument about whether or not it’s right to consume dairy products. I’ll agree with PETA that all the cows involved in making ice cream should be treated humanely, but they have to let us have the cows. That’s a fight they cannot — and, believe me, should not — win.
So trust me when I say I’m not trying to say PETA is stupid. It’s just that in this case, in one little regard, they were: Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield haven’t been actively involved with the company since 2000 and couldn’t change the company’s practices even if they wanted to.
Consider your Phish Food safe.